(The article can help us
understand our wife/husband, boy/girl friends, future partners for life even more…)
The Big O in Happy Marriages
WELL-BEING By Mylene Mendoza-Dayrit
WELL-BEING By Mylene Mendoza-Dayrit
Health And Family
Tuesday, November 4, 2008 PHILSTAR
The following is a common scene in a lot of
households with both spouses working. Wife arrives stressed from the
traffic, fetching the kids, and a boss who never appreciates her work. She
drops by the kitchen to give instructions to the help regarding dinner.
The husband arrives after
a very stressful board meeting. Exasperated, he sinks into the couch in
front of the television, a can of cold beer in hand. He turns the TV on,
zapping from news to sports channels and back. Wife sits in front of
husband and starts talking about her day, giving a litany of things she had and
has to do.
Husband never looks at
wife, seemingly lost in what he is watching. Wife gets hurt, feels more
rejected and alone. Happens all the time and before they know it, a thick
wall is already built between them.
A wife who feels unloved
and unappreciated, and a husband tired of what seems to be endless nagging.
Love lost? Irreconcilable differences? No common interests? Grounds for
divorce? Stop those thoughts, a study from UCLA on the differences between
male and female responses to stress may just save your marriage, as revealed by
Dr. John Gray, author of all the Mars & Venus book series, the latest of
which are Why Mars & Venus Collide and Mars & Venus — Diet &
Exercise Solutions, to the delegates of the Department of Tourism’s “Embracing
Health & Wellness in the Heart of Asia,” held recently at Sofitel
Philippine Plaza.
Manage Stress, Manage
Health
According to Dr. Gray,
our bodies are really designed to be healthy. But he adds that many
hospitalized illnesses are caused by or originated from stress. Hence, one way
of preventing diseases is to learn how to lower stress in life. He believes
that if we improve our communication skills, we will improve our relationships
at home, at work, and in the community. He points out though that the
miscommunication in relationships stems from a lack of understanding on how men
and women vary in coping with stress. Stress and exhaustion go hand in hand.
Under stress, our body focuses on the stressor. Digestion and the immune
systems slow down. The cortisol levels in our bodies go up. We run
on quick energy, and when cortisol is up, we stop burning fat or long
energy. That is why our body craves sweets or simple carbohydrates when we
are stressed. We need a boost of energy. Increased cortisol puts us
in a sugar-burning rather than a fat-burning mode, says Dr. Gray. He believes
that most weight gain is from stress. This is due to the need for fast-
burning sugar.
Men: Solve It or Forget It
We have heard of the “fight
or flight” approach to stress. Stress triggers a hormonal cascade that
prepares the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible.
“Men either solves the
problem when they can, or they forget about it when they can not,” says Dr.
Gray.
Men need testosterone to cope with stress. They need to
relax and forget the problems of the day. They need to rest their
muscles. To take time out and rebuild. In
ancient times, after a whole day of hunting or fishing, the man goes to the
cave and spends time there alone. He only goes out and socializes with his
family or community after some rest. Today,
a man’s cave might mean watching TV, reading a book, or whatever activity gives
him some time and space alone.
Under stress, men produce
a lot of testosterone. They focus on the problem and use logic over
emotions. Men are primarily left-brained. They respond to work
stressors such as deadlines, targets, and competition by meeting, planning,
evaluating, and setting goals. They recover by going to the cave, by
resting alone. Oh no! And wife thinks that he completely ignores her.
It’s not like he doesn’t care. It’s just the wrong time to speak to him
during his much-needed recovery time alone in his “cave.”
Women: Let’s Talk About
It
Stress studies used male subjects
in general until recently when UCLA looked specifically into how women deal
with stress. They found out that while men relieve stress by NOT TALKING
about feelings and going into the “cave,” women relieve stress by TALKING with
others about their feelings. Females, on average, have a larger deep limbic
system than males. The limbic system’s role is to process emotions,
allowing women to better express their feelings than men. The hormone
oxytocin is released in a stressed woman; this buffers the “fight or flight”
stress response and encourages nurturing activities like homemaking and
socializing. For a woman, if she can’t solve a problem, she would like to
talk about it and how she feels about it … sometimes talk about it no
end. This “tend and befriend” approach releases more oxytocin that
counters stress and produces a calming effect on her.
Oxytocin is produced in
both men and women. However, the female hormone estrogen enhances
oxytocin’s role and the tend-or-befriend response while the male hormone
testosterone enhances the fight-or-flight response. While men focus on a
problem and use their logic, women tend to use both left and right
brain. That means they also consider their feelings. While men tend
to look for the more linear point, women tend to see things as interconnected
and therefore talk about the connections of points.
The Extra Challenge of
the Working Mom
More than just juggling
time, the working woman must understand what happens inside her hormonally to
shift from being a player in the corporate world to being a homemaker. In the
workplace, the working woman is subjected to the same stress as the working man
— deadlines, targets, challenges, and competitions. She is expected to go
through the same planning, organizing, goal setting, and other corporate
strategies to realize goals. She tries to use both her left (logical)
brain and right (emotional) brain to finish the tasks at the same time as a
male counterpart who, being focused and specialized, goes direct to the point.
The stress she feels then is double because while the corporate activities
produce more testosterone for the man to help him cope with stress, the only way she can cope with it is to
“tend-and-befriend.”
The bonding hormone
We are not talking here
about that which results in intimate sexual relationships, but that which we
derive from a caring one. Indeed, the greatest finding of the UCLA study is the
role of oxytocin to calm the stressed woman. Animals and people with high
levels of oxytocin are calmer, more relaxed, more social, and less
anxious. When women get to cope
with stress by tending and befriending, they become healthier and succumb less
to the ill effects of stress. That alone may be one reason why women
on the average live seven years longer than men. However, now that women
are as competitive in the workplace as men, they should be aware of how to
de-stress, otherwise the compounded stress they get will also eat their health
away.
Oxytocin goes by certain
nicknames such as “the bonding hormone,”
“the cuddle hormone” or even “the
love hormone.” Appreciation, generous touch, gratitude, and emotional
connections with others raise oxytocin levels. Oxytocin production seems
to also be the best benefit one gets from meditation, massage, and acupuncture.
Look and Listen
Dr. Gray says that
knowing what he knows, he applies a very quick fix to enrich his marriage. He
makes it a point to look at his wife and listen for at least 10 to 15
minutes. This makes his wife feels good. Most divorces are actually
initiated by women, he claims. And this is most likely because women do
not understand the need of men to decompress in their “caves” to cope with
stress. They misunderstand this male response as lack of interest in
them. Repeated incidents of such create a wedge between them that widens
as the years go by. Women are really designed to get upset about small things.
Maybe this is because they see the connection to other things, or maybe they
just want a topic to discuss with the husband. While she may start upset,
talking calms a woman down. But definitely not when nobody listens to her.
“A woman who is under
stress and hungry has a negative selective memory.” warns Dr. Gray.
Dr. Gray also stresses
the need for at least a weekly date. The problem though is that the
romantic wife normally expects that the man should initiate
everything. That is not correct, Dr. Gray points out, as the wife can
initiate by giving options. “Honey, I was thinking we could either go to
the beach house this weekend or watch a concert. It’s really up to
you.” Choosing one which the man knows will make the woman happy will
make the man happy, too, assures Dr. Gray. And by the way, Dr. Gray stresses
there should be food involved! Women don’t only need to talk and be
listened to. Women need to discuss over food.
Indeed, woman must know to understand man… and
man must feel to understand woman.
--- from
the Book Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus
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