Am I in a Healthy Relationship?

Mary J. Yerkes

Why do some friendships encourage us while others wear us down?

As Christians, we assume that relationships formed at church are "safe." When, in reality, we each bring emotional baggage with us from the past, including unhealthy and sometimes destructive ways of relating to others.

Healthy relationships can be measured by God's Word and are characterized by mutual respect, affirmation, trust, honesty, and accountability.

On the other hand, toxic relationships involve unhealthy and unbiblical ways of interacting, including excessive criticism, manipulation, abuse, deception, and control that can leave us spiritually, emotionally, and even physically damaged.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Doctors Henry Townsend and John Cloud identified three Biblical characteristics of safe people in their book Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1995; 143). Safe people draw us closer to God (Matthew 22:37-38), draw us closer to others (Matthew 22:39), and free us to be who God created us to be (Ephesians 2:10).

My first small-group experience allowed me to observe specific traits common in healthy relationships. Though the group consisted of individuals from diverse backgrounds and educational levels, we had in common a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Will, a recent convert in the group, dabbled in New-Age mysticism before becoming a Christian and espoused a theology that combined Biblical Christianity with New-Age mysticism. I watched as group leaders responded to Will's unusual comments and questions with a hard-to-find balance of grace and truth. Eventually, Will renounced mysticism and became a fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ.

The group leaders interacted with Will in ways that drew him closer to God, which served as a lesson for the rest of us. They related to Will with acceptance, love, honesty, and reality instead of "over-spiritualizing," and a balance of grace and truth, all while sharing their own vulnerabilities, which encouraged Will to be honest as well. They wisely gave the Holy Spirit room to work internally in Will's life, rather than manipulating his behavior to conform to external group standards.

What Makes an Unhealthy Relationship?

Unsafe people display specific character traits as well, including manipulative behavior, lying, selfishness, and a lack of concern for the needs, feelings, and emotions of others. They often make degrading comments and seek to further their own agendas regardless of the cost. While safe people encourage us to develop healthy friendships with others, toxic relationships monopolize our time, energy, and resources, and negatively affect our relationships with others. Let me give you an example.

Several years ago, Jeanine, a young Christian raised in an abusive home by a mentally disturbed mother, came to our church and began to serve in ministry. It was not long before Beth, a woman in our congregation, befriended Jeanine. Within just a few weeks time, Jeanine grew standoffish, dropped out of her Bible study, and spoke about separating from her husband.

Fortunately, those in leadership recognized a problem and drew alongside Jeanine to help. As they did, the truth about Jeanine and Beth's relationship emerged. Beth had told Jeanine that God had a special call on her life, one that others would not understand. Beth also suggested that because she shared a similar call from God that she alone would understand the issues and challenges Jeanine faced in life. So, Jeanine withdrew from others, including her husband. Those in leadership directed Jeanine to God's Word and offered Biblical counsel to Jeanine. She got back on track with her marriage and rejoined her Bible study group.

In Summary

If you find yourself in a similar relationship, one that consistently makes you feel confused, or one that dominates your time, energy, and emotions, while isolating you from others, chances are you are in a toxic relationship. God gives us guidelines for relationships in His Word. When faced with a toxic relationship, we must learn to turn to God's Word and seek counsel from other mature believers. As we do, God will give us wisdom, discernment, and guidance for bringing our relationships in line with God's Word.

Mary J. Yerkes

Mary J. Yerkes is an award-winning freelance writer. Her published work appears in books, magazines, e-zines, devotionals, and newsletters. A member of Manassas Assembly of God in Bristow, Virginia, Mary serves on the Women's Ministries Board and teaches a weekly women's Bible study where she is passionate about applying God's never-changing Word to today's ever-changing culture. To learn more about Mary, visit www.maryyerkes.com.